Seriously, people? Come on.

“Seems pretty selfish to not bring a child into the world who could one day be the manager of a Cold Stone Creamery.”

“You’ll never know the joy of lifting a car off of somebody.”

“Wow, it sure must be nice having so much free time to visit Graceland and sit on Elvis’ grave.”


“Kids are the third-most rewarding thing that can come out of your body.”

“Lo, you have found favor in the Lord. You shall bare a child and name him Jeshua.”


“I love the excruciating pain that comes from birthing a large child out of my vagina, and the fact that you don’t feel the same must mean you’re mentally ill.”

“I can relate. Once, a child stole my scarf, and I now walk the streets cold and alone.”


“Doug Yule was not inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with The Velvet Underground even though he played on as many of their classic albums as John Cale.”

“The eggs must hatch! The eggs must hatch!”